that awkward moment...

May 28, 20153 min read

Deviation Actions

Published: May 28, 2015

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_{TMI WARNING.
(To my underage followers and anybody who gets squicked out by sex and things, you should probably not read this. Just saying. You have been warned.)

... when you're trying to get off and your self esteem decides to plummet into hell and never return, thereby making it impossible for you to do anything, let alone finish.

No, really.

I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but personally, if my self esteem drops below a certain point I literally cannot get off. At all. Like I don't even feel anything when I try. Oh, sure, I feel turned on, but I can't do anything to fix that. I'm pretty much stuck running in circles with my bits on fire because I can't goddamn do anything about it.

You're probably thinking I'm weird for that, like it's just a physical reaction, just FIX IT OH MY GOD, but with me there's this connection with my emotions that means I can't do anything if I feel bad enough. I have to be in a good mood to get off. I can't be sad and just masturbate to fix it. That doesn't work with me.

"But why did you feel bad???"

I don't know, because I"M A DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING MAYBE?

Like I mean it, I know myself and I know I'm not a good person, really. I know I'm not physically attractive to others. I can't even have a damn fantasy about a FICTIONAL CHARACTER because my brain will inevitably pop up screaming "you know you'll never be good enough for them, just stop, don't bother even thinking about it, they'd never even see you if they were real" or something along those lines. The same goes for people in real life, I know I'd never be good enough for them, and that knowledge just kills any desire I might have for sex. Like I still feel attraction and desire but at the same time I don't even want to because it's useless. There's no point in having a desire that will never be fulfilled. You understand?

It's really hard to explain in any coherent sense because nobody else is in my brain and they can't understand just how my brain works. But that's essentially the gist of it. As I was telling Katie last night, I hate this feeling and I hate that I need to feel validated by sex that I can't ever have because I'm a gross person and don't deserve anybody showing me affection in any form. There are sooooo many people who deserve it more than I do, so I can't even understand why anybody would waste their time on me.

TL;DR is that I'm a huge mess and not worth your time and goddammit I hate how my mind works and can't I just be fucking happy for one second of my life please and thank you good night.

Also I am apparently the weird human-mutant lovechild of Eridan and Karkat. How?
Eridan= whiny pissbaby hipster with a genocide complex and an obsession with relationships.
Karkat= shouty baby with anger issues and self-loathing.
Put them together and you get me. Well, minus the genocide complex. And attractiveness.
Great combination.}