Moar rambles?

Mar 4, 20155 min read

Deviation Actions

Published: Mar 4, 2015

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_{So it's been a while since I was last in here... and for good reason. Zach moved out in September 2014, taking the internet with him. Which is understandable, since it was in his name in the first place.
I suppose I should give y'all an update about everything that's happened. Do you care? I'm telling you anyway. TMI warning.

So pretty much a month after I made that last journal about not ever getting laid, the impossible happened. I actually got laid. With a former schoolmate. On his birthday. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't the best either. I barely felt anything the entire time. He didn't make me cum. At all. He was going to come inside but dear god, I stopped him in time. Stupid of me not to make him wear a condom, yes. Exceedingly so. There was a pregnancy scare about a week later, as my period was over a week late and I was afraid it might have been because of the sex (it's only a ten percent chance with pre-cum but still...). It was just stress.
So after that (in June), he ended up living with us for a little while, until August when mom finally kicked him out. Over that time, he had tried numerous times to get me to fuck him again even though I had told him CLEARLY that I wasn't interested anymore, and that I had just needed time to figure things out for myself. I told him that I wasn't sure about my feelings, so I fucked him the first time to see if that would help clarify. It did, and I realized I didn't like him the same way he supposedly felt about me. I was honest with him about all of that, from day one. He also wormed his way into Zach's head, and tried to abuse me emotionally over that entire three month period. In August, a few days after mom had told him he needed to leave, he came by to get some of his junk that he'd left behind. I let him in only because I thought he was going to get his shit and leave. He didn't. He claimed he didn't want to walk in the rain, so I said he could stay until it let up. Big mistake. He started off by just hugging me, which was okay, even though I really didn't want him to touch me at all. But then he started going further and further, trying to start shit just like all the other times (which times, I had to physically push him off of me because he ignored me when I told him to stop- and would always promise not to do it again... four separate times he said that, that I can recall....), and finally pulled me off the couch, pinned me to the floor with his hand on my throat, pulled my pants off, and... well, you can guess where this is going. Thankfully he didn't get very far before I finally got him to leave me alone, but there was still unwanted penetration and bruises.
Before you ask, no, I never went to the police. There was nothing they could have done. No evidence. My word against his.
Anyway, after that, he did eventually leave. I told my mom about it and she asked if I wanted to call the cops. I said no, for the reasons above. I also talked with Zach about it, thinking he would be sympathetic, given how he would respond in discussions of rape years past. No. He looked me in the eye and said I deserved everything that T had done to me. I deserved it, he said. I led him on, so I should just shut up and deal with it, he said. A bit later, he brought T back again even after mom said she didn't want him there anymore, and there was a huge fight. T had the balls to say he never touched me, that he stopped when I asked him to, blah blah blah. Which was a lie. I admit I lost my temper and slapped the shit out of his face. SLAPPED. Open-handed. (He later claimed I punched him, which is impossible when you realize the bruise was on the right side of his face and I'm right handed- if I had actually punched him with my right hand, the bruise would have been on the left side). After that, Zach essentially moved out but left his shit until December. I haven't seen or spoken to T since the day of the fight. I've talked with Zach a few times but he's not the same guy I knew. So that friendship is pretty much down the drain. Completely.
Everyone says that it's not my fault Zach walked out. I know that. My brain knows that perfectly well. But my heart keeps saying "I told you so." It always happens- my friends get sick of me and they leave, or I do something to fuck it up and they leave. Either way, they leave. And Zach was the one person in the entire world I thought would never do that. He promised me. He... fucking... promised... And look how it ended. Great job, Mona.
On the slight upside, I have a job. It's a pain in the ass and it's exhausting, but at least I get paid.
I feel like I should make a part 2 about the other things, since that's all just in my head, but... yeah. >.>
Good night.
~Mona}