In hilarious contrast to the previously energetic and positive journal... Have me ranting at myself.
It kind of really pisses me off that I can't make myself get over this. I mean, for fuck's sake, I'm turning 24 this year and I'm hung up relationships like some idiot 8th grader. I know I don't need one to be complete. I can be myself and do what I want, when I want. My life is not dependent on having a partner. And yet, there's really not much I want more.
Sure, I want a job, a social life that doesn't send me into panic attacks by thinking about it, to travel and see the world, to get back into school, to figure out what I want to do with my life. But I also want someone to share those experiences with. Someone who isn't just a friend or a relative. Someone who doesn't feel obligated to stay in my life. I want to be WITH someone, to feel like I matter, like I'm actually worth something to someone who isn't feeling compelled to say that I am because of friendship or family ties.
That isn't going to happen. I know. I'm not a loveable person. At all. But I can accept that it's just who I am. I can't believe there's anyone out there who could do the same and STILL have feelings for me.
That being said, I also know I'm never going to experience the "joy" of a physical relationship. Which is hilarious that I'm so hung up on that, too, because I KNOW I'm not ready. I can't even look in the mirror without wanting to blow my brains out. I can't stand the thought of someone seeing me without at least a pair of pants on (meaning I could be shirtless and still have my jeans, or be in a baggy shirt and no pants, and be okay with that). I can't stand the thought of someone being in the bathroom with me while I'm doing my stuff- be it showering or anything else. I don't want anyone to see the ugly blob of grossness that is my body. Like, ever. I even get squicked out at the thought of a doctor- a trained medical professional- looking at or touching me in my lady bits. I have refused to go to a gyno because of this.
So how in fuck's name would I be able to have sexual relations with someone? I wouldn't. But I still want it.
And even on the slim chance that someone (who would have to be extremely drunk to even consider it) wanted to take things to that level, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't let them get far because of this almost crippling fear of being inadequate. I'm terrified of the person getting that far and finally realizing what a horrible mistake they're making. Of realizing just how ugly I really am. I'm terrified of not being enough for them. Of not being able to bring them pleasure like someone else could. Of not being hot enough, or flexible enough, or kinky enough, or really anything. Flat-out terrified.
Not of the sex itself but of the intimacy of emotion and surrender involved. I don't think I can ever let myself be so open. I can't imagine anyone wanting to be that open with me. Simply because I'm who I am.
Add in the fact that I'm pretty much convinced that anyone who tells me I'm pretty or whatever is lying to me, and it just gets even better.
People talk about how knowing you turned someone on is like, a huge turn on in itself, and all I can do is laugh because I know that will never be the situation for me. If it ever happened, it would simply be the person's body responding to physical stimuli. Not because I'm the one doing it, just that it's being done. It's happened before. So I find myself asking, what's the point of wanting it when you know it'll never be like they say, just because of you being you? There really isn't a point, but that hasn't stopped me yet.
Listening to: "Stranger Inside" by Shinedown.
Watching: myself type.