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TMI WARNING.
(To my underage followers and anybody who gets squicked out by sex and things, you should probably not read this. Just saying. You have been warned.)





... when you're trying to get off and your self esteem decides to plummet into hell and never return, thereby making it impossible for you to do anything, let alone finish.

No, really. 

I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but personally, if my self esteem drops below a certain point I literally cannot get off. At all. Like I don't even feel anything when I try. Oh, sure, I feel turned on, but I can't do anything to fix that. I'm pretty much stuck running in circles with my bits on fire because I can't goddamn do anything about it. 

You're probably thinking I'm weird for that, like it's just a physical reaction, just FIX IT OH MY GOD, but with me there's this connection with my emotions that means I can't do anything if I feel bad enough. I have to be in a good mood to get off. I can't be sad and just masturbate to fix it. That doesn't work with me. 

"But why did you feel bad???"

I don't know, because I"M A DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING MAYBE? 

Like I mean it, I know myself and I know I'm not a good person, really. I know I'm not physically attractive to others. I can't even have a damn fantasy about a FICTIONAL CHARACTER because my brain will inevitably pop up screaming "you know you'll never be good enough for them, just stop, don't bother even thinking about it, they'd never even see you if they were real" or something along those lines. The same goes for people in real life, I know I'd never be good enough for them, and that knowledge just kills any desire I might have for sex. Like I still feel attraction and desire but at the same time I don't even want to because it's useless. There's no point in having a desire that will never be fulfilled. You understand? 

It's really hard to explain in any coherent sense because nobody else is in my brain and they can't understand just how my brain works. But that's essentially the gist of it. As I was telling Katie last night, I hate this feeling and I hate that I need to feel validated by sex that I can't ever have because I'm a gross person and don't deserve anybody showing me affection in any form. There are sooooo many people who deserve it more than I do, so I can't even understand why anybody would waste their time on me. 

TL;DR is that I'm a huge mess and not worth your time and goddammit I hate how my mind works and can't I just be fucking happy for one second of my life please and thank you good night. 

Also I am apparently the weird human-mutant lovechild of Eridan and Karkat. How? 
Eridan= whiny pissbaby hipster with a genocide complex and an obsession with relationships.
Karkat= shouty baby with anger issues and self-loathing. 
Put them together and you get me. Well, minus the genocide complex. And attractiveness. 
Great combination. 
  • Mood: Lonely
  • Listening to: my fans.
  • Reading: nothing.
  • Watching: myself type.
  • Playing: Minecraft.
  • Eating: nothing.
  • Drinking: Pepsi.
183 deviations
Tagged by Fluffle-Muffins 

1. Tag ppl
2. Answer truthfully
3. Have fun!

HAVE I EVER:

Kissed anyone: Yes.
Been drunk: Not genuinely drunk, ever. I've been buzzed and that's it. 
Cried myself to sleep: Yup.
Self harmed: Oh yes. It was an addiction for a very long time- all through high school and up until about a year ago. 
Felt lonely: Kind of my default setting, actually. 
Been depressed: Diagnosed with clinical depression in middle school, thanks. 

WHAT'S YOUR:

Birthday: December 21st
Relationship status: Single
Biggest fear: Spiders, dolls, being alone (like permanently, for my whole life), driving
Dream job: Psychiatrist or counsellor for young adults (like 13 to 30-ish)
Dream car: 1970 black Dodge Challenger with red interior
Dream house: I don't know. Something that fits my needs, somewhere at like, the edge of the city but not the actual suburbs because ugh. 

DO YOU:

Like someone: Define "like."
Love someone: Besides my family and friends? No, I don't think so. 
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend: Not anymore.
Want a boyfriend/girlfriend: At some point, but I'm convinced that it won't ever happen again. 
Have tattoos: None yet, but I have at least 4 planned out. 
Have piercings: My ears. I want snake bites but my job won't allow me to have them. 
Party: no. Just. No. 

FAVORITE:

Artist: I can't choose... I do like Van Gogh, though. (Fuck rhyming... omg.)
Movie: There is no choosing just one. 
Song: This changes hourly. Right now it's "Shut Up And Dance" by Walk the Moon.
TV series: I haven't watched actual television in over 3 years. 
Animal: All of them.
Book: Fucking hell, this is impossible. 
Color: Black. Red. Blue. Silver. Any combination thereof.

THIS OR THAT:

Twitter or Facebook: Bookface only because that's the one I actually have. 
Twitter or Instagram: Neither.
Facebook or Instagram:  Again, Bookface because it's what I have.
Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi.
Tea or coffee: Coffee.
Tacos or pizza: Both, motherfucker. 
Winter or Summer: Winter.

WOULD YOU EVER:

Get married: On the extremely slim chance that someone liked me enough to want to spend their life with me, yes. 
Have kids: I've had a pregnancy scare, and let me tell you... NO. 
Swim with sharks: Sure.
Share a banana: Sure, why not.
Eat rotten food: Ew...
Marry a foreigner: I don't see why not.
  • Mood: I Have To Pee
  • Listening to: my fans.
  • Reading: nothing.
  • Watching: myself type.
  • Playing: Skyrim.
  • Eating: nothing.
  • Drinking: Pepsi.

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deviantID

Ximona
Mona
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
I'm Mona. I'm crazy, pretty much bipolar, and a total weirdo.
I love to draw, write, listen to music, play video games, read, sing, and be an idiot with my friends.

That's really all there is to it. Be nice to me and I'll be nice to you. Give a llama, get a llama. Live and let live.

So yeah. Have at, my lovelies.

~Mona

-----------------------
:iconrequestsclosed::icongiftsfriendsonly::iconpointcommissionsask::iconnotrades:
-----------------------
:thumb57213782: When I Die by stamps-of-yore Repo stamp 8 by MummyMetaller
Bases and Dolls are art too by GriffinMyth But maybe some day..... by SirvanaRachana You shall not pass Stamp by 00DarkChocolate00 WTF stamp by xrealisticx
It's in my head, I swear by AssClownFish Fix Things By Hitting Them by fear-the-brilliance Depression stamp by ChocolateRayquaza
Winning Wars Stamp by KahunaSniper Cannot Be Given This Day by AssClownFish Lady Gaga Stamp by Kezzi-Rose weird dreams stamp by ShadowPhantomToph-xo
:thumb78938474: :Black Parade Stamp: by pixelated-rain Make Words STAMP by DarkRika Coconuts Migrate stamp by SailorSolar
I'm a regular Frankie fan by Faolin-MT Walter stamp by saucy-mo I am a Fred Fan by four-eyed-samurai
Bleach Renji Stamp by erjanks :thumb89595784: :thumb89823922:
-----------------------

Current Residence: Richmond, Virginia
deviantWEAR sizing preference: Roomy.
Print preference: BIG. x3
Favourite genre of music: mostly rock, metal, country, classical, and pop
Operating System: Windows Vista... :\
MP3 player of choice: Sony Walkman. 8D
Shell of choice: Er... Turtle?
Wallpaper of choice: Swirlies. <3
Skin of choice: Mine.
Favourite cartoon character: >.> I don't know.
Personal Quote: "No, not Voldey! He'll get dents!"
Interests
TMI WARNING.
(To my underage followers and anybody who gets squicked out by sex and things, you should probably not read this. Just saying. You have been warned.)





... when you're trying to get off and your self esteem decides to plummet into hell and never return, thereby making it impossible for you to do anything, let alone finish.

No, really. 

I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but personally, if my self esteem drops below a certain point I literally cannot get off. At all. Like I don't even feel anything when I try. Oh, sure, I feel turned on, but I can't do anything to fix that. I'm pretty much stuck running in circles with my bits on fire because I can't goddamn do anything about it. 

You're probably thinking I'm weird for that, like it's just a physical reaction, just FIX IT OH MY GOD, but with me there's this connection with my emotions that means I can't do anything if I feel bad enough. I have to be in a good mood to get off. I can't be sad and just masturbate to fix it. That doesn't work with me. 

"But why did you feel bad???"

I don't know, because I"M A DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING MAYBE? 

Like I mean it, I know myself and I know I'm not a good person, really. I know I'm not physically attractive to others. I can't even have a damn fantasy about a FICTIONAL CHARACTER because my brain will inevitably pop up screaming "you know you'll never be good enough for them, just stop, don't bother even thinking about it, they'd never even see you if they were real" or something along those lines. The same goes for people in real life, I know I'd never be good enough for them, and that knowledge just kills any desire I might have for sex. Like I still feel attraction and desire but at the same time I don't even want to because it's useless. There's no point in having a desire that will never be fulfilled. You understand? 

It's really hard to explain in any coherent sense because nobody else is in my brain and they can't understand just how my brain works. But that's essentially the gist of it. As I was telling Katie last night, I hate this feeling and I hate that I need to feel validated by sex that I can't ever have because I'm a gross person and don't deserve anybody showing me affection in any form. There are sooooo many people who deserve it more than I do, so I can't even understand why anybody would waste their time on me. 

TL;DR is that I'm a huge mess and not worth your time and goddammit I hate how my mind works and can't I just be fucking happy for one second of my life please and thank you good night. 

Also I am apparently the weird human-mutant lovechild of Eridan and Karkat. How? 
Eridan= whiny pissbaby hipster with a genocide complex and an obsession with relationships.
Karkat= shouty baby with anger issues and self-loathing. 
Put them together and you get me. Well, minus the genocide complex. And attractiveness. 
Great combination. 
  • Mood: Lonely
  • Listening to: my fans.
  • Reading: nothing.
  • Watching: myself type.
  • Playing: Minecraft.
  • Eating: nothing.
  • Drinking: Pepsi.

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Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconararagibases:
AraragiBases Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2015
:icononionhiplz: Hi there! Thank you so much for faving my bases! I hope you enjoy using them :aww:
Reply
:icontixielix:
TixieLix Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for the FF fave!
Reply
:iconshadowlord19:
shadowlord19 Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Happy Birthday.
Reply
:iconskullmonkey445:
skullmonkey445 Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2014  Student General Artist
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Reply
:iconfluffle-muffins:
Fluffle-Muffins Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2014
Dunno when you'll see this, but happy birthday! OuO
Reply
:iconsobies516pl:
Sobies516pl Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2014
Happy Birthday! 
  :bulletblue:
:bulletpurple::cake::bulletpurple::bulletblue:
Reply
:iconladycandy2011:
Ladycandy2011 Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2014  Student Digital Artist
:iconcuteicondividerplz::iconcuteicondividerplz::iconcuteicondividerplz::iconcuteicondividerplz::iconcuteicondividerplz::iconcuteicondividerplz::iconcuteicondividerplz:

:iconbummy1::iconbummy2::iconbummy3::iconbummy1::iconbummy2::iconbummy3:

PartyHAPPY:iconhappybirthdayplz:BIRTHDAYParty

:iconcaekplz::iconbummyballoonplz::iconbirthdaycakeplz::iconbummyballoonplz::iconcaekplz:

:iconbummy1::iconbummy2::iconbummy3::iconbummy1::iconbummy2::iconbummy3:

:iconpinkbow2plz::iconpinkbow3plz::iconpinkbow4plz::iconpinkbow5plz::iconpinkbow6plz::iconpinkbow1plz::iconpinkbow2plz:
Reply
:iconmelodiamystic:
MelodiaMystic Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
happy Birthday ! 
Reply
:iconiluvgaaraandkimimaro:
IluvGaaraAndKimimaro Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Happy Birthday. Hope you have the most awesome day. Happy Birth Day Fella (messages) happy birthday to moo 
Reply
:iconaskfoxy:
AskFoxy Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2014
askfoxy.deviantart.com/art/Que… sorry for the lateness in showing you. ^^;
Reply
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