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deviantID

Ximona
Mona
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
I'm Mona. I'm crazy, pretty much bipolar, and a total weirdo.
I love to draw, write, listen to music, play video games, read, sing, and be an idiot with my friends.

That's really all there is to it. Be nice to me and I'll be nice to you. Give a llama, get a llama. Live and let live.

So yeah. Have at, my lovelies.

~Mona

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:iconrequestsclosed::icongiftsfriendsonly::iconpointcommissionsask::iconnotrades:
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:thumb57213782: When I Die by stamps-of-yore Repo stamp 8 by MummyMetaller
Bases and Dolls are art too by GriffinMyth But maybe some day..... by SirvanaRachana You shall not pass Stamp by 00DarkChocolate00 WTF stamp by xrealisticx
It's in my head, I swear by AssClownFish Fix Things By Hitting Them by fear-the-brilliance Depression stamp by ChocolateRayquaza
Winning Wars Stamp by KahunaSniper Cannot Be Given This Day by AssClownFish Lady GaGa Stamp by Kezzi-Rose weird dreams stamp by ShadowPhantomToph-xo
:thumb78938474: :Black Parade Stamp: by pixelated-rain Make Words STAMP by DarkRika Coconuts Migrate stamp by SailorSolar
I'm a regular Frankie fan by Faolin-MT Walter stamp by saucy-mo I am a Fred Fan by four-eyed-samurai
Bleach Renji Stamp by erjanks Byakuya Stamp by omnicatbus Izuru Kira Stamp by omnicatbus
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Current Residence: Richmond, Virginia
deviantWEAR sizing preference: Roomy.
Print preference: BIG. x3
Favourite genre of music: mostly rock, metal, country, classical, and pop
Operating System: Windows Vista... :\
MP3 player of choice: Sony Walkman. 8D
Shell of choice: Er... Turtle?
Wallpaper of choice: Swirlies. <3
Skin of choice: Mine.
Favourite cartoon character: >.> I don't know.
Personal Quote: "No, not Voldey! He'll get dents!"
Interests
In hilarious contrast to the previously energetic and positive journal... Have me ranting at myself. 





It kind of really pisses me off that I can't make myself get over this. I mean, for fuck's sake, I'm turning 24 this year and I'm hung up relationships like some idiot 8th grader. I know I don't need one to be complete. I can be myself and do what I want, when I want. My life is not dependent on having a partner. And yet, there's really not much I want more.
Sure, I want a job, a social life that doesn't send me into panic attacks by thinking about it, to travel and see the world, to get back into school, to figure out what I want to do with my life. But I also want someone to share those experiences with. Someone who isn't just a friend or a relative. Someone who doesn't feel obligated to stay in my life. I want to be WITH someone, to feel like I matter, like I'm actually worth something to someone who isn't feeling compelled to say that I am because of friendship or family ties.
That isn't going to happen. I know. I'm not a loveable person. At all. But I can accept that it's just who I am. I can't believe there's anyone out there who could do the same and STILL have feelings for me.
That being said, I also know I'm never going to experience the "joy" of a physical relationship. Which is hilarious that I'm so hung up on that, too, because I KNOW I'm not ready. I can't even look in the mirror without wanting to blow my brains out. I can't stand the thought of someone seeing me without at least a pair of pants on (meaning I could be shirtless and still have my jeans, or be in a baggy shirt and no pants, and be okay with that). I can't stand the thought of someone being in the bathroom with me while I'm doing my stuff- be it showering or anything else. I don't want anyone to see the ugly blob of grossness that is my body. Like, ever. I even get squicked out at the thought of a doctor- a trained medical professional- looking at or touching me in my lady bits. I have refused to go to a gyno because of this.
So how in fuck's name would I be able to have sexual relations with someone? I wouldn't. But I still want it.
And even on the slim chance that someone (who would have to be extremely drunk to even consider it) wanted to take things to that level, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't let them get far because of this almost crippling fear of being inadequate. I'm terrified of the person getting that far and finally realizing what a horrible mistake they're making. Of realizing just how ugly I really am. I'm terrified of not being enough for them. Of not being able to bring them pleasure like someone else could. Of not being hot enough, or flexible enough, or kinky enough, or really anything. Flat-out terrified.
Not of the sex itself but of the intimacy of emotion and surrender involved. I don't think I can ever let myself be so open. I can't imagine anyone wanting to be that open with me. Simply because I'm who I am.
Add in the fact that I'm pretty much convinced that anyone who tells me I'm pretty or whatever is lying to me, and it just gets even better.
People talk about how knowing you turned someone on is like, a huge turn on in itself, and all I can do is laugh because I know that will never be the situation for me. If it ever happened, it would simply be the person's body responding to physical stimuli. Not because I'm the one doing it, just that it's being done. It's happened before. So I find myself asking, what's the point of wanting it when you know it'll never be like they say, just because of you being you? There really isn't a point, but that hasn't stopped me yet.
Oi.

~Mona
  • Mood: Rejected
  • Listening to: "Stranger Inside" by Shinedown.
  • Reading: nothing.
  • Watching: myself type.
  • Playing: nothing.
  • Eating: nothing.
  • Drinking: Dew.

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:icongdeyke:
GDeyke Featured By Owner May 14, 2014   Writer
Thank you so much for the favorite! :heart:
Reply
:icon972otev:
972oTeV Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014
Thanks for the fav! :+fav:
Reply
:iconximona:
Ximona Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! 
I couldn't stop watching... He's just too adorable! :la: 
Reply
:icon972otev:
972oTeV Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2014
Hahaha :p :thumbsup:
Reply
:iconsinsiter-silence:
sinsiter-silence Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
thanks for the fave :)
Reply
:iconxshunshin:
xShunShin Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Hi :3i was wonderingg do you have bases? ^^
Reply
:iconximona:
Ximona Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
On a separate account, yes. :3
Reply
:iconxshunshin:
xShunShin Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
May I have a link to it? :)
Reply
:icongrenades:
grenades Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Thanks for the favs!
Reply
:iconximona:
Ximona Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You're very welcome! (I really do love the way you did Terezi, btw. She's so cute!) <3
Reply
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